Nightcast: September 8, 2012

Good evening. And welcome to Nightcast. Here are some of the stories we're working on for you. It turns out that drinking coffee is actually very good for you - especially if you use a lot of whitener. The debate over the use of pulverized cow bones to make coffee whitener has been resolved by a team of highly paid experts who say that cow's bones are every bit as nutritious as their milk. Also, people are not driving their cars enough. Gas station owners say that if we don't see a reverse in the latest trend towards energy conservation, it could lead to massive unemployment. And finally, the terrorist group, Hazbrollah, may actually be right in their quest to push the nation of Israel into the Dead Sea forever. Stay tuned tonight for the rest of these and other fine stories. And now for a word from our sponsors. Commercial: Coffee Pal (A man sits in his home with his dog beside him on the floor.) Man: You know, I used to be a grumpy old bastard. I thought it was Addison's Disease or something, since I'm gettin' on into my sixties, but it turned out to be my coffee. It was just too darn black and too darned bitter. I would take out all my frustrations on my dog. But now I mix ten teaspoons of Coffee Pal into my coffee and I feel like a new man. It smooths out my mood right along with the flavour of my coffee. You should try it. (The dog starts biting his hand.) Lucky! Stop that! Announcer: Coffee Pal: If not for you, for your dog. Commercial: Mexaco Premium Unleaded (A driver pulls into a Mexaco gas station. An attendant comes out and strolls over to his vehicle.) Driver: Please, you must help me. There's this crazy hitchhiker and I keep driving past him and he keeps ending up ahead of me on the road and I think he wants to kill me. Please. I lost my cell phone. You have to call the cops or something. Attendant: Why, that's not your problem at all, sir. You're just worried that you might be using an inferior fuel. Driver: What? No, it isn't! I'm telling you, my life is in danger! Attendant: (Filling his fuel tank) I'll just supply you with some of our premium unleaded ... on the house. That should be all you need. Driver: Please. You have to help me! Oh Dear God! He's in my backseat! Help! Attendant: (Finishing up) Nonsense! Mexaco Premium Unleaded's all your car needs for the long haul. Sir? Sir? (He finds the driver slashed to death behind the wheel.) Announcer: Mexaco Premium Unleaded: Just what your car needs. Commercial: Hazbrollah is Love (Obnoxious muzak. A man in robes sails through the air on a hang-glider.) Announcer: Hazbrollah is freedom. (A man in robes fishes in a pond.) Announcer: Hazbrollah is peace. (A teacher stands before a group of girls with a map of the world. He drags his pointer off the edge of the map and indicates that it is impossible to sail in that direction. Suddenly a man in robes carrying a globe interrupts the lesson.) Announcer: Hazbrollah is truth...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.