Minstrel At Arms

(An eighteenth century battle. A unit of English redcoats advances on their French foes. Before they are within bayonet range, half of them are cut down.) Sergeant: Captain! Signal a retreat before we all perish! Captain: Not so fast, Sergeant. Unleash the minstrel! Sergeant: Minstrel! Present arms! (The minstrel holds out his arms, which hold cymbals.) Attack! Minstrel: (clanging cymbals together in time to his melody) Oh, we're going to shoot some Frenchmen! So give us a round of applause! Because because because because because - ! Because they will not obey our laws... (They are swarmed by white uniforms.) French Soldier: You've just sang your last tune, you English cochon-chien! French Officer: No, wait! He is important. French Soldier: A minstrel? French Officer: An English minstrel. Now the English will have no choice but to understand the lyrics to our battle songs! Ha! (They take the minstrel away.) (The next battle. A French regiment advances on an English position.) French Officer: Unleash zee Min-strel! Minstrel: (Clanging cymbals together) Oh, we're going to shoot the English! Shoot them in the face! Shoot them in the gut! Shoot them in the spleen! Shoot them in the kneecaps! Shoot them in the groin! - French Officer: (interrupting) That's gro-ah! Say it right! Minstrel: Shoot them in the gro-ah! ...
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© 2007, 2012. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.